fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
