OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
