I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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