I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
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I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
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I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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