there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
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bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
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It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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