Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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