Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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