I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
