if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
