Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
please come you make the beer taste better
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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