i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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