First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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