my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
