you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
