Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
