matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
whose parrot is this?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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