just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I puked off the balcony.
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets