I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid