You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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