i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
