I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i dont even know how to be here
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
