Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
