Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
