your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
