I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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