It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
