Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
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Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
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I just blew my weed a kiss
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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