I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
