Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
