yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Be still, my beating vagina.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
