I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just pee around me
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize