I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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