The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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