we have pet lesbian snakes
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
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