morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
