Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
two words: eviction party
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
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