I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
