Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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