Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
