i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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