Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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