Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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