just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize