He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
