Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
