Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
