He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
