If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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