I just threw up on my dentist
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
