I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
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I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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