i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
