one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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