i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
