planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Dick very happy bro
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
