There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
