i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Well I just put wine in my tea
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
