I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
