If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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