why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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