zippers are such a cool invention
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
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