I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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