Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Why are your pants in the freezer?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
