woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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