Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
