i just had sex bonerless
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
